I'm A Hall of Fame-r
I take the train to work. I worked late yesterday, so I decided to go in a bit later today. I arrived at the train station after all the rush hour people, otherwise known as when the crazy people ride the train. I was "lucky" enough to have an encounter with one today.
I was standing on the platform messing around with my phone when the tallest African American man I've ever seen walked up to me. He was dressed in shades of brown. Alligator shoes, slacks, long trenchcoat, fedora-like hat with a feather. Very classy, I suppose. He had a very deep, rumbling voice and talked in the way where his words ran together. He also had one of those laughs that sounds like he's very joyous, but could also get really creepy really fast.
So. He walked up to me and said, "Hello darling! You're a hall of fame-r. Hall of fame for pretty girls." THIS IS A DIRECT QUOTE. (Yes, I wrote it down.)
I laughed and said thank you and then went back to playing with my phone. I guess I should tell you this before I continue... I HATE making friends while commuting or traveling. Hate it. I don't need to know you, I just need to get to where I'm going. I will do everything in my power to appear busy so someone stops talking to me, which is why I went back to playing with my phone.
This man would not quit. He decided to tell me about his friend who owed him $350k and was paying him back in checks for about $150. He showed me a real check. Pulled it out of his jacket and everything. Then he went on and on (I think... his words all ran together) about how he thinks his friend was putting the money in escrow and how he was going to call the bar association on this guy. I politely listened, but started texting my boyfriend about what was going down.
And then. This man asked if he could call me! I politely said no, and then he said...
"I'm black. I'm smoooooooth."
Again, I'm direct quoting here. He went on to ask me if I'm married "or something." I said that I'm not married yet, but that I do have a boyfriend and that I'm committed to that relationship. (It was around here that I started devising ways to get his photo or take some video, but that ultimately failed.) Once I told him I was committed to my boyfriend, he high fived me and laid down another quoteable line.
"Yeah girl! What God wants is what God wants. You're my black sister."
I laughed awkwardly and went back to my phone while he rambled on about what God wants and how there's not too many girls like me and that most ladies would jump at a chance to cheat on their boyfriends (really?!), so on and so forth. Then the train came and I had visions of freedom and reading my book in peace.
So, of course, this man followed me onto the train car and sat down directly behind me and kept talking. He introduced me to the man sitting next to him as his black sister. How awkward. I told him that I was going to take a nap on the train so I couldn't talk anymore.
That didn't stop him from talking about me. He was telling the man next to him and I believe I heard, "That bitch is a hall of famer." THEN it comes out that he's FIFTY FOUR YEARS OLD. Dislike on so many levels, you guys. This is the point where I started getting creeped out. I was still faking sleep and considering getting off the train at a stop that wasn't mine, just so that the train would carry him away from me. Fortunately, he got off a few stops later and I finished the rest of my ride in peace.
Naturally, I relayed most of this in texts to my boyfriend, very sporadically, with a lot of "omg"s in there. The man was creepy, but if anything, I would like to thank him for his sweet pickup lines.