Dave T’s Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Sweat

Get up from your computer and go run around the block for five minutes. I’ll wait.

…

…

Okay, now, touch your forehead.

Feel those beads of water? That is SWEAT.

Don’t know what it is?

Sweat is a mixture of water, sodium, chloride, potassium, and other minerals. It is produced by sweat glands. An average human has two to four million sweat glands. On average, women have more sweat glands than men, but male sweat glands are more active.

We are all sweating all the time! But when we’re cool and resting, our body is able to reabsorb the sweat before it reaches the surface of the skin.

The sweat in certain glands has a different composition than other glands, which is why some sweat stinks and some doesn’t. And, actually, sweat has no odor. The sweat in our underarms and crotchal region contains proteins and fatty acids; the bacteria on our skin and hair metabolize these and that produces an odor. The proteins and fatty acids are what make the yellow stains in the underarms of our shirts.

The most that a person can sweat is about three liters an hour! That number is reached by people who live in very hot climates. In colder climates, one liter an hour is the maximum.

Pros:

• If we didn’t sweat, we’d have to roll around in the mud like pigs to stay cool. I'll take sweat over mud any day.

• I really love the expression “Don’t sweat the petty stuff; pet the sweaty stuff.”

• I don’t quite know the science, but I’m guessing without the ability to regulate our body temperature through sweat, the amount of people who die from heat stroke would rise from thousands per year to hundreds of thousands.

• Without the word "sweat," the song “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” by C & C Music Factory would be ruined:

Come on let's overheat, baby
Let the music take control
Let the rhythm move you
Overheat, overheat!
Let the music take your soul
Let the rhythm move you

• I like it when a girl is sweaty in a sexy way. Like when Britney Spears is gyrating up a storm and looks all sweaty and her hair is matted down and she’s wearing an albino snake, I’m so there.

• I enjoy sweatpants and sweatbands. But not when they’re worn ironically.

• Sweat lets you know that you’re having a good workout. Or a good sex.

• Sweating helps cops know when a suspect is lying.

• Without sweat, what would Richard Simmons and fat people do to the Oldies?

Total Pros: 9

Cons:

• If we didn’t sweat, we’d have to roll around in the mud like pigs to stay cool, which would mean female mud wrestling would probably happen everyday.

• If we didn’t sweat, maybe we’d all pant like dogs to stay cool. Going to an outdoor concert and seeing thousands of people panting in the hot sun sounds hilarious.

• When you’re running or playing badminton and you work up a sweat, it gets in your eyes and stings.

• Sweat supposedly cleanses your skin, but for me and most of the people I know it seems to lead to rashes and pimples.

• Sweat leads to B.O., and B.O. is the worst. Thanks a lot, proteins and fatty acids! Jerks.

• Yellow pit stains. Thanks a lot, proteins and fatty acids! Jerks.

• If you’re nervous giving a presentation, you start to sweat. Then you think people can see you sweating, which makes you more nervous, which makes you sweat even more. Eventually you sweat so profusely that you and everyone in the room drown in salty water. Sweat can turn a nervous Nelly into an inadvertently mass-murdering... Nelly.

Total Cons: 7

So, 9 pros, 7 cons. Sweat is here to stay. Proteins and fatty acids, however, you'd better watch your step.

'Til next time, Ciao!
Dave T

Dave Terruso is half of the sketch comedy duo Animosity Pierre. Check them out at Helium Comedy Club on July 22.