Dave T's Pros and Cons of Stuff Everyone Has: Names
Tilben M. Bottledwater
These are NAMES.
Don’t know what they are?
Names are what people and things are called. This article will focus on people names.
• Some names are awesome. If your name is Amazing Robotsex, you’ve been given a gift by the universe and your parents.
• Names save us a lot of time. It’s so much easier to say, “Hey, Rilba, wait up!” than it is to say “Hey, you there in the green shirt with the red hat on twirling a parasol, wait up!”
• If your name is unique, it gives you a sense of identity and specialtude. You can hold your head high and say, “I’m the only Frarp Windchime on the entire planet!”
• “The Name Game” is one of the best songs ever written.
• Names help us identify and catch criminals so we can keep them off the streets and be safe. Without names, there would be so many people wrongfully imprisoned. If a twin committed a crime, we’d probably have to punish both twins even if one had an alibi, because we wouldn’t be sure which one it was.
• Without names, sextime dirty talk would get stilted. “Yeah, that’s it, f*ck me harder, blond-haired guy I’ve known since high school." Or "Yeah, what's my general description, b*tch? Say my general description!"
• Some names are hilarious. If you’re a urologist and your first name is Dick or your last name is Weiner, you’ve brought joy to thousands of people.
• If you didn’t have a name, you couldn’t change it to show you became a Muslim. That would suck for the Cassius Clays and Cat Stevenses of the world. It would also be hard to read comic books and keep the superhero and his alter ego straight: “I can’t wait to get the next issue of The Guy Who Sometimes Wears Glasses and a Suit and Other Times Wears Tights, a Cape, and a Spit Curl.”
Total Pros: 8
• Names make it easier for people to remember the embarrassing things you do. It also helps them spread the news of the embarrassing things you do across towns and, thanks to something called the Teletype, across the world! Without names, it would really be hard for anyone at your new job to be positive that you were the guy who got quite drunk on Skinny Girl Margaritas and drank a bucket of meerkat piss while wearing Depends. You could easily say “Nope. Guess that was some other left-handed albino with huge incisors and a cleft palate.”
• Lots of names lend themselves to ridicule and cruelty. Like my friend Hugh Shouldthrowrocksatmyface. He had a rough childhood.
• Sometimes a name robs you of your uniqueness and specialtude. You might be a fascinating person with an amazing life story, but no one will know that just from hearing your name, Dave Jones. Not only are you not the only Dave Jones on the entire planet, you might not be the only Dave Jones in your apartment complex.
• Some names trap you into a certain kind of life. If your name is Jerry, you know you have to be nice and probably boring. If your parents named you Knife, you’ll be tough and have lots of tattoos, scars, and piercings. If you're female and the name on your birth certificate is the same as a city or car name, you’re gonna become a stripper or a call girl.
• You might be Carl Blunker Jr., and hate your father, Carl Blunker Sr. You're stuck sharing a name with this SOBitch unless you pay to get it legally changed.
• Famous people name their kids things like Apple and Surrey and other stuff that sucks. Parents are allowed to name their kids awful racist names, like the people who named their kids Adolf Hitler Campbell, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell. We need to have the Campbells sterilized before they can give birth to Bahamians End Arguments with Machetes Campbell, Old Filipino Ladies Are Miserable Campbell, and Puerto Ricans Get Airbrushed T-Shirts of All Their Dead Loved Ones Campbell.
Total Cons: 6
Wow, 8 Pros, 6 Cons. Names can stick around, but it was much closer than I expected.
‘Til next time, Ciao!
Dave Terruso is half of the sketch comedy duo Animosity Pierre.