Comedy

I've been in the same spot for hours. I think it's still Sunday. I haven't eaten since this morning. I don’t have my phone. If I did I would dial 911 because this is an emergency. I have this overwhelming urge to throw up but I’m trying my hardest to keep it together. The hallucinations have stopped but I don’t know for how long. They could come back at any minute. Sweat is burning my eyes. I try to wipe my forehead but I’m sweating profusely. I don’t know if I’m going to make it out of here alive. The only thing I can do--is pray.

I’m just going to cut to the chase. I’ve been single for twelve years, ok. Yes, I’m serious, stop laughing. My last girlfriend was in high school. We never went out on a date. I don’t count field trips or the times I took her to subway and she didn’t want me to buy her any cookies. 12 years ago in March, we broke up. I was going to college and back in them days, we didn’t have cell phones or cars. Actually, we had cars but I didn’t have one at the time. Anyway, I’m rambling. Long story short, March is my twelve year anniversary of being a single man. Guess what? Being single sucks.

Take a look at the picture above. Yup, that’s me after a game of Kings. I know what you’re thinking. That is a really nice ottoman. I know but it’s not even mine.

Blacking out isn’t fun anymore. The first few times it’s funny. You wake up… Find your pants… Ask your friends what happened ...Get a recap… Everyone’s LOLing. Fun right? Yeah, laugh it up. You won’t be laughing after the 3rd time. The 3rd time is when you try to convince yourself to stop drinking... but it never works.

1. Selflessness – The #1 attribute of a great WingMan is remembering, it’s not about you. Don’t be selfish. Don’t try and steal your boy’s shine. You signed up for this. Don’t walk the walk, if you can’t talk to the unattractive friend.
2. Charm – Charm the Hello Kitty panties right off these women. Don’t worry. This can be done, even if you’re not the most attractive person on the short bus. A good sense of humor works 100% 60% of the time. Make them love you.

Installing the track for the drawer of your IKEA desk backwards so that the drawer opens in toward the wall and not out toward you.

Picking up a prostitute that you thought was a woman but turned out to be a tranny.

Picking up a prostitute that you thought was a tranny but turned out to be a regular old boring chick.

Removing a patient's right leg during surgery when it was actually the left leg that needed amputating.

Joining the Church of Scientology.

Giving Dr. Phil a TV show.

These are MISTAKES.

Chocolate or vanilla.

Chicken or fish.

Red or white.

Peanut butter and jelly or Nutella and marshmallow fluff.

Smoking or non-smoking.

Fake goatee or hula hoop.

Falcon Crest reruns or closed-circuit footage of your cousin grooming a cat.

These are OPTIONS.

Don’t know what they are?

Options are choices.

Thou shalt not kill.

Don’t drink and drive.

He who smelt it dealt it.

These are all LAWS.

Don’t know what they are?

Laws are rules and customs that society agrees to abide by for the common good.

You might be saying, “But, Dave T, I live in a post-apocalyptic anarchic society where there are no rules.”

To you I say, “When you jump in the air, do you land again?”

Your hiney.

Your bum.

Your tushbottom.

Your rump shaker.

Your moneymaker.

Your ass.

Your posterior.

Your behind.

Your fanny.

Your derriere.

Your hindquarters.

Your keister.

Your upside-down back boobs.

These are all words for your BUTTS.

Don’t know what they are?

Butts are those fleshy mounds on your back under your spine but above your legs.

Male.

Female.

Shemale.

Hermaphrodite.

Asexual being with a smooth Ken-Doll-nub for a crotch.

These are SEXES.

Don’t know what they are?

Sexes are determined by your crotch. If your crotch is a sticky-out pen-shaped thing, you’re a male. If it’s a floral-themed cave area, you’re a female. If you have a pen but boobies, you’re a shemale. If you have a pen with a cave under it, you’re a hermaphrodite.

8:16 a.m.

4:32 p.m.

Noon

Midnight

0800 hours

These are TIMES.

Don’t know what they are?

Times are a measurement of the passing of time. For the purposes of this article, we will be discussing the measurement of times and not time itself. I can’t wrap my mind around the idea of existence outside of time.