Teacher
Lawyer
Doctor
Firefighter
Professional Fart Blamer
Hitman
Taste Tester
Dancing Telegramist
Runaway Bride
Scrubbing Bubble
These are JOBS.
Don’t know what they are?
Jobs are things people do. Some are careers. Some are just ways to make money for food, clothing, and shelters. Some are responsibilities that don’t pay monies but are rewarding.
Bob Doondloff
Marcy Clemps
Illignian Horsony
Tilben M. Bottledwater
88 Destiny
Frank Penismonster
Roe Stbeef
Reston Yourlaurels
Fart Tootsalot
These are NAMES.
Don’t know what they are?
Names are what people and things are called. This article will focus on people names.
Pros:
I know you think that your pet goldfish, Bronson Pinchot as Balki, went down the toilet into a wonderful world where all fish who’ve grown too big for their bowls swim together in magic fluorescent pipes that connect the entire world.
He didn’t.
He had a DEATH.
Don’t know what it is?
I’m never going to find true love.
I missed out on the best opportunity of my life and it won’t come around again.
I’m going to choke on a cookie when no one’s around to give me the Heimlich.
A pedophile will kidnap my daughter at the playground.
Freddy Krueger is going to slash me up in my dreams.
These are FEARS.
Don’t know what they are?
Go to your local gunnery and pick yourself up a gun. Nothing fancy, just a .22 or whatever. And buy bullets. Live rounds, no blanks.
When you get home, go sit in your tub buck naked and load your new gun. Aim the gun at either of your pinky toes, depending on which one you like less (or which one you stub more). Pull the trigger, blowing off said little piggy.
Feel that awful sensation that starts in your toe hole and works its way up to your brain? That’s PAIN.
Get up from your computer and go run around the block for five minutes. I’ll wait.
…
…
Okay, now, touch your forehead.
Feel those beads of water? That is SWEAT.
Don’t know what it is?
Sweat is a mixture of water, sodium, chloride, potassium, and other minerals. It is produced by sweat glands. An average human has two to four million sweat glands. On average, women have more sweat glands than men, but male sweat glands are more active.
But, Dave, you say (before I’ve even written a word, I might add), I am a nudist, and I never wear clothes, so this is not a stuff everyone has. And I say to you: nonsense. I say: poppycock. I say: pshaw. I say: hogwash. At some point in every human’s life, he or she has worn CLOTHES.
I turned 30 on May 26. I had a BIRTHDAY. And it inspired today’s post.
Don’t know what they are?
Yes you do. You do so know what they are.
For the purpose of this article, we’re discussing the keeping track/celebration of a birthday and not just having a day on which you were born, which is seemingly unavoidable.
Pros:
Go look in a mirror. Look at the area above your eyes. See those sideways Cs (or maybe one long sideways I)? Those are your eyebrows. They are made up of HAIRS.
I chose eyebrows because that’s a place nearly everyone has hairs. If you don’t have any hairs there, you may be suffering from alopecia universalis (all-over-the-place baldness).
Don’t know what they are?
Sniff. Do you smell anything? If you smell anything, that thing that you smell is called a SMELL.
(I could use “odor” and it would make a lot of these sentences flow better. But I won’t. Instead, I’ll give you a final count on how many times I use the word smell in this article.)